By Willow McMahon
“Why is it so hard to stay connected with my teenage children? What’s wrong with them? What’s wrong with my parenting?”
These thoughts I often hear, hear of and read about, coming from distressed parents yearning for a better relationship with their adolescent children. Why are so many families challenged by “those teen years”? Why have they come to expect that once their beloved children reach teenage-hood they will become strangers, enemies and problems? Why is this so often the case? What can parents do in this situation?
The common reaction to a bad relationship with a teen is “Send them away! Ship them off to boarding school, sign them up for more activities. Send them to another caretaker. Avoid them!” As enticing as these options may seem, I believe this common reaction is the exact opposite of what troubled children are needing, what they are subtly asking for.
I am a 16-year-old homeschooler and enjoy a connected, loving relationship with my parents and family. I’ve experienced the weakening of our bonds at times, under strenuous circumstances, and have come to fully appreciate the connection we share. I believe I understand reasons why so many of my peers engage in distant, dissatisfactory relationships with their parents.
I’m sure that various circumstances and reasons affect all relationships, but I’ve come to single out one main reason that usually contributes to those strained parent-teen relationships: Not enough time is spent together! With parents’ busy work/social schedules, combined with a teen’s schedule, including school, activities, events and social life, little time is left to share bonding and connecting experiences. And all too often, even the minimal left-over time is spent apart, each person involved with their own separate lives.
When people have not been together all day long, they cannot possibly know what each other have experienced and how they are really doing. Parents cannot stay connected with teens when they are so excluded from their lives. A parent may find herself thinking “How did she get like this?” “Where did they learn that?” “Who is this person?!” Parents and teens alike may become irritated and upset from their day’s stresses. Upon meeting, they often will vent upon one another, blaming them for their pain instead of expressing feelings in a safe and supported environment. Because of this vicious cycle of clashing, parents and teens will resist spending time together, and in this way, parents and teens come to a point of not knowing each other.
Another contributing factor to a strained relationship is the role society and media plays. Media portrays teenagers as rebellious and estranged — negative attitudes that become “problems” that parents have to “deal with”. But why does our culture offer us this description? In creating the term “teenager” corporations were able to market to a new group of people — not children, nor adults. The teenage image is strongly portrayed through media and society. In order to refrain from transforming into this image, parents and teens must be vigilant to avoid this message and break from what is expected. It is beneficial for parents to help guide their teens, while experiencing society’s influence and the exposure to media. If parents and teens are aware of the insidious motives of corporations, they can see through them and stay connected without becoming lost or seduced by society’s image.
“But teenagers are so rebellious!” is often heard. Why are teens so apt to be rebellious? What stimulates their rebellion, seemingly aimed towards parents, teachers and authority? The answer is simple: Teenagers are young adults craving to experiment with freedom. Through the adolescent years they learn about self-discipline and choices. Teens crave to be allowed to make decisions and prove to themselves that they are responsible and deserving of freedom.
Unfortunately, instead of supporting and allowing teens’ choices and freedom, their freedom is continually squashed and their choices denied. In turn, they rebel against authority figures: Parents, teachers, the school system and society.
Most people in our society are denied freedom of choice throughout childhood. This leads to rebellion later, when teens become aware that they are able to do so. Usually, the more people are repressed as children, the greater their rebellion in future years.
Choices that are often denied teens can include how they want to spend their time, what/how to learn, setting a curfew, controlling appearance and rules for dating. Parents may fear that their teens will mess up, fail and make mistakes if offered the power of making decisions.
Yes, teens will make mistakes. However, they need a certain amount of freedom to learn and grow; they need to see the outcome and sometimes consequences of their decisions. To avoid rebellion, parents must acknowledge their teens as young adults learning about life and the power that comes with it. Parents must offer teens choices and freedom, equipped with healthy boundaries and agreements. Demonstrate that responsibility = freedom. The more responsibility a teen is willing to take, the more freedom she shall receive.
The most important step to take to forego rebellion is to share a close connection and relationship of understanding.
I believe that a big issue for teens/parents is a teen’s resistance to attend school. Parents believing that their children must complete and graduate from public school become frustrated in forcing the adolescent to comply. A teen may think “I don’t care if I don’t graduate! I just want to get a job and a real life!” While most parents would be shocked and horrified at the idea, if a teen wants to quit school and start living “a life“, by all means, I say “let her!”
Parents can let their young adult experience grown-up life if she so chooses. However, parents must not confuse this with letting their teen quit school to sit around the house watching T.V. all day. Parents can make a plan and stick to it. Parents may ask themselves: Is my young adult prepared to start contributing and helping? Is she getting a job or pursuing a money-making opportunity? Is she showing responsibility? If she is not prepared to take responsibility, parents can discuss alternatives to school, such as homeschooling, apprenticeship or internships. Parent can resist forcing their children to learn. They need not be afraid that their teen is “failing” in life. Instead they can discover what the teen is needing, right now. They may be surprised to find that it is not school. A teen may choose to work on her emotional position, or physical being. She may desire to pursue an interest or discover a passion. When she is learning what she wants, she will accept and welcome it fully, without resistance. And what a joy that is for teens and parents both!
So what can parents do to work towards reconnecting? Take their teen out of school, cancel all appointments and plans, and stick together until they’re utterly sick of one another’s presence? While sometimes such drastic measures would be beneficial, more often a practical, gradual approach is acceptable.
I personally believe that in the best interests of a family, children should refrain from attending public school. After experiencing public school, I’ve embraced the philosophies and ways of homeschooling wholeheartedly. I favor homeschooling over public school for numerous reasons, including a superior education and healthy social life, but the main reason is that families are able to spend a lot more time together. They are able to spend time getting to know each other, working together, understanding each other and loving each other.
While they are homeschooling, parents and teens can learn about each other by sharing themselves. They can get to know each other and empathize with each other’s challenges, help rejoice each other’s victories. Simply being together and sharing the journey of homeschooling can vastly improve a relationship.
But how can parents approach a connection with their teens if they seemingly don’t share the desire? In truth, I believe that all troubled youth are really craving a connection, attention and a bonded relationship. If parents and teens are able to work together to heal their tarnished relationship, treat each other respectfully, and prioritize spending time together, both parties will enjoy and benefit from a strengthened bond and connection.
Repairing a damaged relationship can be challenging and overwhelming. However, parents can recall the pure Love their teen brought as a newborn baby, thus remembering who she really is, and their love for her. This can ease the confusion, and fuel the desire and action to reconnect.
When she wrote this, Willow McMahon was a 16-year-old homeschooler living with her family on the big island of Hawaii. She enjoys cooking natural foods, morning yoga, spending time with her family and writing freelance articles.
